One of the most discouraging parts of parenting is when our kids begin to disconnect or avoid conversations with us altogether. We have to remember that we did not get to this place overnight, and it will take steady, consistent effort to win the relationship back.
The best place to start when you have lost connection, or have a weak one, is to figure out what kind of situation you are actually in. In our experience, a breakdown in communication between parents and teens usually falls into one of four categories:
- Hidden sin and fear. Your teen is scared to talk to you because of something he or she is hiding.
- A slow drift. The relationship has been on a slow downward path, and now you have a son or daughter who seems more like a tenant than a member of the family.
- Confusion or lost confidence. A major life event seems to contradict the worldview your child grew up with: divorce, parents walking away from the faith they once professed, or the death of someone close.
- Peers have become the loudest voice. Friends now matter more than you do.
Part one: when hidden sin shuts the door
Sometimes a student pulls away because hidden sin has stopped open communication between parent and child. A common motivator is shame, or fear of consequences.
If your son or daughter is living with hidden sin (drug use, pornography, a relationship you thought had ended), they are often deep in the habit and ashamed to ask for help. Just as often, they are afraid of the consequences of being found out.
Most of us know when this kind of pulling away has happened. It is common for parents to be afraid of the truth and simply continue on, hoping the issue resolves itself. It won’t.
The simplest first step is to sit down with your child and be open. Lay out your concerns clearly: we see changes in your friend group, we notice changes in your health, you have stopped talking with us. Let them know this conversation is the first step toward restoring your relationship. Either open, honest communication with mom and dad gets going again, or, if they are resistant, you will bring in outside help: a family friend, a pastor, a professional counselor, or possibly placement in a program. It has to be clear that continuing with no change is not an option. You are refusing to sit by and watch your child implode. Proverbs 19:18 warns parents not to set their heart on their child’s destruction. Those are severe words, but it is a severe situation.
This first conversation is exploratory. You may not be sure what you are looking for, and you may be surprised by what you find. Do not promise “no consequences,” but help them see you are trying to help them, not simply trying to catch them. A son or daughter who wants help and is willing to share what they have been afraid to share can almost always be worked with, even if some consequences follow.
Weekly discipleship is the best way to keep communication going, so that when bigger issues pop up, the relationship is already strong enough to handle them. If your child is willing to talk through sin and life challenges, you most likely will not need outside intervention. It is when they shut you out that intervention becomes necessary.
Part two: when the relationship has slowly drifted
When kids are little, most parents focus on obedience, and rightly so. But things cannot stop there. Our natural motivation is our own comfort. If our kids are behaving decently and not causing trouble, we tend to go into autopilot. That is a big mistake.
Once your child has learned to obey, you have their attention, and they are ready for life training. Too often we relax once they obey, or worse, once they are simply quiet. Over the years we have seen that quiet kids can be just as troubled in their hearts as loud ones. They are just better at hiding it. We assume all is well, and suddenly there is little communication and what feels like a lost relationship.
Getting back on track takes initiative and consistent work. Your children have wills of their own, and they may have grown used to being left alone. Start by sitting down with your son or daughter and asking their forgiveness for allowing the relationship to drift. Tell them your intention: you want the healthiest relationship possible between now and when they leave home.
Keep the first conversation simple. Tell them your goal is to speak into their life now, and even more as they approach the big decisions: career, education, choosing a spouse, buying a car or a home. The more independent they are, the less they will feel they need your counsel. Trying to grab it back will not work. You will need to take small steps.
This will not be a one-and-done conversation. It requires a regularly scheduled time for discipleship. Expect resistance, maybe even annoyance at your sudden interest. Persist anyway. Once a week, at a set time, for 20 to 40 minutes is a great place to start. Ask questions. Get their thoughts on things affecting the family: church, upcoming time off, what is happening in the world. Anything that gets them engaged.
Part three: when life events have shaken their faith in you
When families go through dramatic changes, it affects the kids. Common factors include divorce, a job loss or move, the death of a family member or close friend, church conflict, or watching family and friends walk away from the faith.
Some of these are out of your control. Others are not. Either way, sitting down to talk it through is the best place to start. Putting it off will not make it go away. It will only amplify it.
For events outside your control (a death, a job loss, the economy), start by assessing how strong or weak their view of God and His sovereignty is. This is a series of discussions, best worked through in your regular discipleship time. Walk them through the reality that this is God’s world and that loss is part of life in a fallen one. They may think God is unfair for a while. Help them through it.
For events partly within our control (job changes, moves, divorce), a child may go silent because they feel your authority has been compromised by your decisions. They may see you as a hypocrite, or decide they are now free to believe and act however they want, since that is what they think you did. This one starts with self-reflection. If there has been sin on your part, own it. Confess it to your child. Help them see that God is allowing some consequences in your life, but that this does not make them any less responsible to walk in the way God’s Word and your family have laid out.
There will be pushback. But you can regain their trust by owning what you need to own and then living out your faith as faithfully as you can. It may be one of the most life-shaping lessons of your parenting.
Part four: when friends have become the loudest voice
This is the most common reason teens stop listening, and arguably the hardest to reverse. These teens seem disrespectful, or just annoyed at having to spend time with you. You do not feel you have changed, and you are not sure when they started pulling away, but you know they have.
For most families, it starts with choices about outside influences. There are many good, non-sinful activities we can involve our kids in: school, music, sports, hobbies. But every decision carries risk, and many of us make those decisions without thinking through how to counteract the downsides.
If your child spends eight or more hours a day away from you, you will have very little daily influence on their worldview unless you take big, consistent steps to stay involved. Know the class content, the friend group and the cultural exposure. They will grow used to hearing the voices of teachers and peers all day. So when there is a conflict (“everyone else is doing it”), they are no longer used to hearing your voice, and you become the odd one out.
The more your kids are involved in, the more proactive you must be, or be willing to lose your voice with them.
They will be listening to someone. It just will not be you.
You can reduce the risk, but it takes regular, consistent discipleship to keep their heart soft toward you.
When your son stops listening, it may be time for a different approach
If every conversation with your son turns into an argument, or worse, silence, it can feel like you are losing him one day at a time. Defiance and withdrawal are often signs of deeper struggles.
At Future Men, a Christian boarding school for young men 14 to 20, boys learn to respect authority, take direction and own their choices. Not more lecturing: Christian men who live on campus walk alongside your son every day. He earns high school credits through Cognia-accredited academics prescribed for him, and every Tuesday and Thursday he works at a local business learning a trade through hands-on apprenticeship training. Expectations are clear, and accountability is consistent.
If you are at that point, begin an application online whenever is convenient for you, or talk with us. Our admissions team will contact you within 24 hours of receiving your application, including weekends and holidays.